I don’t typically share this type of information on my blog, so here it goes: I’m about to talk about relationships.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in well over a year, more like a year and a half (or is it more..?). For most of that time, I’ve been on the road. I’ve met some great people, but I was always leaving. I always had an excuse, an escape, a reason not to commit.
Now I’m in one place again, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready for anything. I don’t know what I’m looking for, and I don’t know if I’ve pieced together myself enough to bring someone else into my life on a regular basis.
In years before, in my previous, more stable life, I had a better idea of who I thought I was and where I thought I was heading. Now, I have become a much different person. I’m extremely happy with the decisions that I’ve made, but I’m still regaining my footing. I’ve spent so much time on my own, or fleetingly with great people who I had to or chose to leave behind, that I’m not sure how to make things work on a full-time basis. I’m barely remembering how to work a job on a full-time basis. When someone gets close, I push away. I sometimes realize after the fact that it could have been something really good, but maybe I’m just not ready because this action seems to be a pattern of mine lately.
In my travel life, I was flirting with people, places, and different aspects of life. I would meet someone, go somewhere, and always leave when I felt like it. I never had to make any commitments to any one person or place. Now, back in the “real world” of a full time job and a one year housing lease, I have plenty of time to settle into a place and really live here, but it’s strange to me. I’ve had so many periods of adjustment to so many new things in the past couple of years, that I’m a little unsure of how to relax into a place after I’ve adapted.
My wise, young friend (she’s younger than me), said, “your life has changed so much in the last few years and now you are trying to resettle and do your thing. Trying to start a new relationship while you are going through all that settling would be so much pressure…. If I was in your shoes I would focus on making my new existence as fabulous as possible and leave the boy stuff until you feel genuinely ready. Sometimes people are commitment phobes and sometimes it is your gut trying to tell you something.” She is brilliant.
I am very open to whatever the universe has to offer me, and I have become very go with the flow in many areas of my life, but there are still parts of me that freak out and want to have all the answers right away. That’s when I need to settle down and let everything fall into place. That’s when I remind myself that I am so lucky in getting what I want simply by being open, that I need to just take a deep breath and enjoy this exciting life.
As far as relationships, I will never forget my friend from college saying that I am going to be the cool (or did she say crazy?) Aunt Rachel coming to visit her kids after traveling the world, solo of course, well into her forties. I’ve also joked with another friend about us being crazy cat ladies together. While I want none of this to be true because having a life companion is something that I would like to have eventually, I clearly haven’t been in the right mindset for anything but the solo life in a long time.
I’ve had some great relationships, and some not so great ones, too, but overall, as long as I’ve got family and friends to support me, I’m going to keep living my life for me. Maybe after I have a better understanding of what my new life is meant to be here, I’ll be able to truly let someone else into it.
Until then, I appreciate my dear friends who have listened to my trials and tribulations with guys for the past couple of years, and am thankful for the wonderful men I met traveling (and otherwise) that reminded me that we live in a big world with a lot of people in it, and so no matter what, no one should ever settle for anyone they aren’t 200% sure about. Even if I am old single Aunt Rachel, at least I’ll be true to myself and never give into something that isn’t right for me just because I’m afraid to be alone. We’ll see what happens, and if it’s nothing but the fun life I’m living now, then bring on the cats!